drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
