yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
