I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
