People with herpes should wear stickers.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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