'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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