I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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