why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
