the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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