then he tried to convert me to islam
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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