the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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