paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
