i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
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