I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize