I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
