That's intense
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
