Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
