I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
