Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
