that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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