i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
