u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
