We tried having a conversation with our noses.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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