Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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