Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
