I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
