Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
