Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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