well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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