I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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