You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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