Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
