Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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