They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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