i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
