Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
