Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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