I wannas sexs uuuuu
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
