Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
