i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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