Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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