theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
