I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
