im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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