Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Randomize
