There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
