this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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