Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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