Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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