dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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