i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
